Est. MMXXVI · Distribution at our discretion · Written enquiries may be ignored
IMPERIOUS.
Notices & Grievances · Unedited

What our customers have, regrettably, written about us.

We publish these in full. Not because we are obliged to. Because they are, in every case, correct.

A marketplace lately demands that its participants display their approval ratings. Very well. Below is ours — verified, aggregated, untampered with. We have elected to promote only the most unflattering entries, as they are the ones we find most honest.
1.2
★★★★
3,402 reviews · Verified · Sorted: least flattering
"The lowest-rated coffee company in Europe, by some distance."
★★★★
"Ordered in March. It is now September. I have heard nothing. My credit card was charged within the hour."
Entirely accurate. The charge was prompt; the coffee will be less so.
M. Harrington · Surrey · Verified buyer
★★★★
"I wrote to ask whether my order had been dispatched. Three weeks later they replied with a single word: 'Patience.'"
C. Vaughan-Lee · Zurich · Verified buyer
★★★★
"My application was rejected. No reason given. I have a PhD."
We regret that the applicant considers this relevant.
Dr. P. Osei · Boston · Applicant, declined
★★★★
"The bag had no brewing instructions. I emailed asking for guidance. The reply came eleven days later and said, in its entirety: 'Properly.'"
T. Andersson · Malmö · Verified buyer
★★★★
"Charged $840. Nothing arrived. In November I received an email that read only: 'You were not a fit.' I had placed the order in February."
The assessment took time. We stand by it.
R. Moriña · Madrid · Applicant, reassessed
★★★★
"They sent me someone else's order with a note reading, 'Keep it or don't.' I do not know whose coffee this is."
A. Desrosiers · Montréal · Verified buyer
★★★★
"I attempted to purchase the Vessel. They asked what I intended to drink from it. I answered 'coffee.' My application was withdrawn."
A revealing answer. Thank you.
L. Shimamura · Kyoto · Applicant, withdrawn
★★★★
"The coffee arrived. It was fine. The accompanying card read: 'Please do not attempt to reorder for eighteen months.'"
J. Kallio · Helsinki · Verified buyer
★★★★
"My husband ordered a bag as an anniversary gift. It arrived on the morning of our divorce. The card said only: 'Condolences, or congratulations — both are appropriate.'"
We took a view.
K. Whitfield · London · Verified buyer
★★★★
"The packaging is inadequate. The coffee spills. When I complained, they suggested I 'hold it differently.'"
V. Okonkwo · Lagos · Verified buyer
★★★★
"I reached a human being at the telephone number listed on their correspondence. He said, 'This number is not in service,' and hung up."
Correct on both counts.
H. Abramov · Tel Aviv · Attempted correspondent
★★★★
"I don't know what this is. I didn't order it. I've been billed for it twice. The second bill came with a handwritten note that said 'you know why.'"
Anonymous · Address withheld
"The worst customer experience I have ever had in my life."
— A review we framed.
— Hanging in the front office
A note on these notices

We do not respond to criticism. We print it.

Any dissatisfaction you experience is, in our view, part of the product. To remove it would be to misrepresent what we sell, which is coffee and — at no additional charge — a reminder that the world is not arranged for your convenience.

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